Be kind to yourself

The Compassionate Leader's Compass: Navigating Setbacks with Self-Kindness

That feeling. The weight. The thought: "It's my fault." If you've been through a tough time at work, a career change that affected others, or a life shift that had unexpected consequences, you might know this feeling. And if you're anything like me – empathetic and people-bent – you likely take on the human toil of these situations personally. It's in our nature to feel the impact on others deeply.

I get it. And when things feel heavy, remember this: be kind to yourself.

For those in leadership roles, or aiming for them, this is crucial. Leadership means responsibility for many. It means guiding teams and making tough choices, like restructures or even layoffs, to keep the business on track.

I've been there. I've had to let people go. It’s the worst thing to have to do. I loathe it. All for the sakes of a business decision. And those humans are crying on the way out the door. I've also lost my job in a restructure. I’m crying. My team are crying. The weight of the pain emanates and lingers. It's hard not to take these things personally.

Or, if you're trying to build your own business, that journey can feel incredibly challenging too. You might find yourself asking: Why aren't they listening? Why isn't my key offer selling? Why can't I make money? It's tough not to internalize these struggles.

You might feel like you failed, or feel guilty about the impact on others. and that bears a terrible weight: blaming, justifying, getting overwhelmed, or just feeling terribly sad. This can tear you up, and your self-worth - feeling like it’s shattered on the floor.

But remember: business isn't personal. It's not easy to remember, but these changes are often about bigger things – the economy, strategy, the market. They don't reflect your worth.

The reality is, the statistics for startups can be sobering. According to the Small Business Administration (SBA)¹, approximately 20% of new businesses fail within the first year, and about ¹ half don't make it past the five-year mark. These numbers highlight the inherent difficulties and uncertainties of entrepreneurship, emphasizing that lack of immediate success doesn't equate to personal failure.

The U.S. job market has seen big changes. Many lost jobs during the pandemic, but the recovery has brought positive numbers. The Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that while layoffs were high initially, unemployment has gone down, and many sectors are growing. This shows how unpredictable the job market can be – factors beyond your control.

It’s not personal.

That's why I say: be kind to yourself.

So, how do we practice self-kindness, especially with demanding careers and entrepreneurial ventures? Here's some areas that I find helpful, and I hope they help you too :-

• Find Stillness: In our busy industries, make time for quiet. Meditate, journal, or just sit and breathe. Let yourself feel your emotions without judging them. For example, schedule 15 minutes each morning for meditation using an app like Calm or Headspace.

• Reconnect with What You Love: Focus on what you can control. Make time for things that make you happy. This could be a hobby, a creative outlet, anything that reminds you of what matters. If you love music, set aside time each week to play an instrument or listen to your favorite artists.

• Help Others: Volunteering can change your perspective. By focusing on others' needs, you can step away from your own struggles and find a sense of purpose. Consider volunteering at a local food bank or mentoring young people in your field.

• Affirm Your Value: Challenge negative self-talk. Use mantras and "I AM" statements to remind yourself of your worth. Say to yourself: "I am enough. I am capable. I am strong."

• Be Bold (Without Self-Criticism): Keep pursuing your goals. See setbacks as learning opportunities. Take risks, but don't beat yourself up if things don't go as planned. If a project fails, analyze what happened, learn from it, and move on.

So what is conscious leadership?

This idea of being kind to yourself is closely linked to a powerful concept discussed in the video "Locating Yourself - A Key to Conscious Leadership" by The Conscious Leadership Group². I’ve used this video in every team offsite I have held, when I form new teams, because it’s so impactful. I truly love it, because it introduces a simple yet profound tool: a line that represents two distinct ways of being in any given moment – above the line or below the line.

When we are above the line, we operate from a place of openness, curiosity, and a commitment to learning. We tend to believe that learning and growth are more important than being right, that people and circumstances can be our allies, and that there's often humor to be found even in difficult situations. Above the line, we are more likely to listen deeply, question our assumptions, and approach life with a sense of play.

Conversely, when we are below the line, we tend to be closed off, defensive, and focused on being right. Common beliefs below the line include the idea that there isn't enough (time, money, resources), that our story about a situation is the absolute truth, and that there's some kind of threat to our approval, control, or security. Behaviors below the line can include blaming, justifying, getting overwhelmed, and avoiding or pursuing conflict to win.

The video highlights a crucial point: our brains are naturally wired to go below the line as a survival mechanism. When we perceive a threat (which our brains sometimes misinterpret as a threat to our ego or identity, not just physical safety), a chemical response pushes us into a defensive state. While this was helpful for physical survival, it hinders the very qualities that make effective leaders and thriving individuals: creativity, collaboration, innovation, and connection.

Therefore, the first step in conscious leadership, as the video emphasizes, is location. Asking ourselves honestly, "Where am I right now – above or below the line?"

Where are you right now? Above or below the line?

Take a moment and think about where you are.

This self-awareness is the starting point for shifting our state. When we find ourselves below the line due to a setback or challenging situation, practicing self-kindness becomes a vital tool to help us move back above the line. By being gentle with ourselves, acknowledging our feelings without judgment, and focusing on self-compassion, we create the internal space needed to regain openness, curiosity, and a learning mindset.

Focusing on self-compassion doesn't mean we stop caring about other people. In fact, being compassionate is a hallmark of great leadership – a cornerstone of what it means to be a conscious, people-bent leader. True strength lies not just in driving results, but in navigating challenges with empathy, both for ourselves and for others.

So, as you navigate the ups and downs of your career and life, remember to check in with yourself. Where are you? And if you find yourself below the line, extend that much-needed kindness inward. It's the first step towards getting back to a place of growth and possibility, and ultimately, towards leading with greater compassion and impact.

Remember: be kind to yourself.

xo,

Gilli

1. https://www.cityroyal.com/en-US/handling-business-failures-how-to-bounce-back-stronger/

2. www.conscious.is